Monday, March 29, 2010

The 5 charters of a good gigolo - Markus

Markus, the male prostitude or gigolo (he prefers to be known also as a surrogate-lover) has left the brothel Shady Lady Ranch in Tonopah, Nevada as the first legal male prostitute.

The New York Times has the story

Kosmo! also has the report below

Early this year, MYFOX NATIONAL, Chicago has the story on the hiring of Markus as America's first male prostitute by one of the few legal brothels in Nevada.

The Los Angeles Times also has the news here.

In an interview with an online magazine, Markus talks about his passion in the job by having a level of discipline. He describes himself unique in a way as he has developed a work charter. He also thinks the business he is in is viable.

Markus' 5 charter as a gigolo

Number 1: Having a psychological profile—how he was raised, his upbringing, his thought, his morality, what he views as right and wrong.

Number 2: He must have the heart of a saint, the mind of a philosopher, and the skills of the devil—that's the second qualification.

Number 3: Never refer to any woman as a bitch, ho, twat, cunt, or any of those terms. It offends people. Women don't pay for sex, they pay for experience. One must also have the mentality and the emotion and gumption to make women feel the way they want to feel. And if you can complete that through sex, too your mission is accomplished.

Number 4: A gigolo knows how to cook, clean, and do the things necessary to upkeep himself. He's totally independent. He can cook a 3-course meal, and at the same time, serve wine.

Number 5: He must be literate, he must have a sense of honor and dignity to himself. He should just be an all-around good guy.

Read about the exclusive interview with Markus in MEET AMERICA'S FIRST LEGAL MALE PROSTITUDE in

Since Markus has left the job, there's a vacant to be filled here.

So guys, if you think you can meet the 5 charters Markus has laid on the good characters of a gigolo, then you can get yourself laid, and getting paid handsomely as well.

On the website it says : Male pricing: $300 an hour.

One wonders whether all these are the changes in standard of values and morality we are anticipating in the future due to the demands of capitalism. However it is, it is now giving rise to profound changes in gender vs occupational roles.

So now, at least there won't be any more gender discrimination with these kind of jobs usually laid out (or laid down rather) by women.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

A sad state of Malaysia's (pre-marital) affairs

Mingguan Malaysia today published Haji Harussani Zakaria's concern about the problem of pre-marital sex and its by-product, the anak luar nikah.

Such a sad state of (pre-marital) affairs if you read the statistics given by Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara. And those statistics are probably a tip of the iceberg, as the numbers recorded were only the ones reported. What about the ones that goes unreported, or the ones that were given away (or even sold) to families outside the country?

In the last five years (2005-2009) there were 74,723 cases of Malay Muslim anak luar nikah reported to the JPN.

In 2007, there were 16,100 anak luar nikah cases reported.

In 2008, there were 16,541 anak luar nikah cases reported.

In 2009, there were 17,303 anak luar nikah cases reported.

Blogger Perisik Rakyat has the statistics breakdown according to states in Malaysia here.

Another report says since 2000 till the end of July 2008, there are 257,000 birth certificates registered with JPN without the father's name recorded on them. This figures translate into 2,500 cases of anak luar nikah registered every month or 83.3 cases everyday.

Such a big figure.

Haji Harussani wants each and everyone of us to take the blame and find a holistic way to approach this issue. There needs to be a constructive method to facilitate the teaching of religion and morality in schools, he says. 

On the teaching of sex education in schools, Hj Harussani says society is still uncertain or clueless of what the subject is all about.

Of course people might not be so forgiving if they do not understand what it is we are trying to hammer into our children's mind. So this is why there are pros and cons as they are not yet able to decide whether to accept it.

So, since the people has yet to accept the teaching of sex education in schools, Hj Harussani suggest an alternative to the teaching the subject to school children.

It is through the subject munakahat which Harussani says is more appropriate.

What is munakahat?

Harussani says the teaching of munakahat is not just about the everyday dealings of the husband and wife relationship, but it is also about sins and virtues and about our relationship to God.

Are we not teaching munakahat in schools nowadays? I thought we already did have it in those days when we were in secondary schools back in the 70's. And do you think the teaching of munakahat can help solve or eradicate the problem of anak luar nikah?

I guess as far as the Hj Harussani and the rest of the population is concerned, he must also answer the question of what or how munakahat can be better applied to schools to what the problem of teaching of sex education is all about.

Many of us are still clueless.

Click on pic below to read the report.

Men deserve to be called bitches too!

If you guys ever wondered where did the How do you know when you are driving behind a clumsy lady driver? entry had gone, it's been removed for good.

I also want to apologize to the lady driver I mentioned earlier - sorry for being an impatient mean bitch..he..he.. you guys think only women like to be bitchy?.

We men also like to be labeled like what women can be...meaning we want to be equally equated with bitches and not just son of bitches.

Isn't that what gender equality is all about....?

Okay, I can't help it...I'm still a cynical mean bitch!

Wikipedia describes bitch as:
In a feminist context, it can indicate a strong or assertive woman, one who might make men feel threatened. When applied to a man, "bitch" is a derogatory term for a subordinate.

Monday, March 22, 2010

When experience speaks volume...

...rather than assumptions base on justifiable motives (just an appendage of the above title)

When a wife of a polygamous marriage writes her experience of being a 'madu' then it speaks volume of the 'advice' one gives.

In response to last week's luahan rasa advice column (Mingguan Malaysia) by Nuruliman and the out-of-touch-with-reality advice by Putri -- a second wife in a polygamous marriage talks about her distress, sorrow and anguish of being a 'madu'.

I truly hope Nuruliman (or whatever her real name is) and others who are about to embark upon a life of sharing husbands in a polygamous marriage -- would reflect upon themselves in view of this worthy advice by ZAM.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Kes kahwin lari dengan 'pahlawan terhandal' yang tiada penyudahnya?

Belumpun sempat sejuk kisah kahwin lari Noorlaili Hafizah Omar 19 tahun (Pijah, gambar bawah) ke Indonesia awal tahun ini dan kemudian pelakon cilik Salsabila yang lari mengikut teman lelakinya ke Pulau Lombok, Indonesia kita dihidangkan lagi dengan kisah terbaru.

Pada 18 dan 19 Mac 2010 Utusan Malaysia melaporkan kes terbaru di mana Rosnah Abu Bakar, 20 dari Kulim Kedah, yang sudah menetap selama 3 tahun di Lombok, Indonesia, berjaya diselesaikan. Rosnah, bersama anak perempuannya berusia 14 bulan berjaya dibawa pulang kepangkuan keluarganya dengan bantuan Biro Pengaduan Pemuda UMNO.

Kes kedua bulan ini melibatkan Nor Asniza Arbangi (atas kanan), 21 dari Muazam Shah, Pahang yang sehingga kini masih belum ditemui. Dia dikatakan lari mengikut seorang lelaki dari Mataram, Lombok Barat, Indonesia sejak 11 Novermber 2008.

Kisah kahwin lari ke Lombok menjadi sensasi di dada akhbar pada tahun 2007 dengan kes Normaniza Ghani dari Bahau, Negeri Sembilan yang dilapor mengikut seorang lelaki Indonesia berusia 30 tahun dan berkahwin serta menetap di sana. Kejadian berlaku pada bulan Mei 2007 selepas mereka mula berkenalan pada tahun 2003.

Pada November 2007 Jina Rinnie Anak Aseng, 18 tahun dari Bintulu, Sarawak juga dilarikan kekasihnya menyeberangi Kalimantan selama 27 hari. Kes ini berjaya diselesaikan pada 18 Disember 2007 apabila Rinnie berjaya pulang atas nasihat dan bantuan ketua kampung di Lombok.

Pada bulan Disember 2007 Maslina Maulat Siadin yang ketika itu berumur 13 tahun dilapor dilarikan lelaki dari Sulawesi dari kediamannya di Kampung Pondok Upeh di Pulau Pinang. Bapa Maslina, Siadin Rashid, 44, bersama bapa saudaranya, Jalil Rashid, seorang pegawai Imigresen berjaya menjejaki Maslina di sebuah kampung di Sulawesi dan membawanya pulang ke Malaysia pada 22 Januari 2008.

Pada 3 September 2008, Noor Fadilah Ahmad 18, dari Ladang Sungai Gedong, Perak telah dilarikan ke Lombok sebelum diselamatkan oleh Sekretariat Pengaduan Awam dan Pembelaan Malaysia Pemuda UMNO Malaysia. 

Kes-kes lain pada tahun yang sama melibatkan Che Siti Nor Azreen, dari Rembau, Negeri Sembilan, yang dinikahi seorang lelaki Lombok ketika baru berusia 12 tahun dan Nurul Wahida Hamzah, dari Teluk Intan yang ketika diseludup ke Lombok baru berusia 17 tahun.

Ringkasan berita di atas yang dilaporkan dalam media sepanjang 4 tahun yang lepas memang memeranjatkan, seolah-olah kisah jerat cinta ini tiada penghujungnya. Apakah gadis-gadis Malaysia terlalu mudah diumpan kata-kata manis untuk diajak bernikah dengan jejaka asing sehingga sanggup membelakangkan ibu bapa dan keluarga serta meninggalkan segala kemewahan di negara sendiri?

Lebih memeranjatkan pada hari ini (20 Mac 2010) Utusan melaporkan Ketua Puteri UMNO, Datuk Rosnah Abdul Rashid Shirlin bahawa terdapat kira-kira 500 wanita tempatan terjerat oleh ikatan perkahwinan dengan lelaki Lombok yang pernah bekerja di negara ini. Beliau seterusnya menggesa Kementerian Dalam Negeri membekukan pengambilan pekerja asing dari Lombok bagi mengelakkan lebih ramai gadis tempatan kahwin lari dengan lelaki wilayah Indonesia itu.

Satu lagi laporan Utusan membongkar kisah mengapa lelaki Lombok gemar membawa lari anak gadis dari luar dan dibawa pulang ke perkampungan mereka untuk dinikahi. Laporan itu menyebut lelaki Lombok akan digelar sebagai ‘pahlawan terhandal’ sekiranya berjaya membawa pulang wanita yang berasal dari luar daerah Lombok. 

Pengarah Kajian Sosiologi Indonesia, Khairudin Harahap berkata, pegangan itu merupakan tradisi daripada nenek moyang Lombok yang menjadi keagungan masyarakat berkenaan. Katanya, jejaka Lombok sangat dikenali sebagai lelaki yang baik, penyayang, rajin dan berbudi pekerti malah mereka bijak menguruskan kewangan.

Sebab itu ramai anak gadis mudah terpikat dengan jejaka dari Lombok ekoran mereka tahu dan pakar dalam menambat hati para gadis di negara ini. Mereka tidak mengamalkan ‘ubat guna-guna’ atau bomoh, katanya lagi.

Dengan paparan ringkas ini sedikit sebanyak kita dapat memahami mengapa lelaki Lombok menjadi pilihan gadis-gadis Malaysia yang dianggarkan seramai 500 orang yang masih terjebak sepertimana laporan di atas. Sama ada usaha akan dilakukan oleh kerajaan Malaysia untuk membendung kegiatan ini dengan menyekat kedatangan lelaki Lombok ke negara ini untuk bekerja, masih jadi tanda tanya.

Dalam posting yang akan datang saya akan cuba mendapatkan pandangan pakar di Malaysia dalam bidang ini selain pandangan rakan-rakan serta ulasan saya sendiri.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ismail tunjuk 'power' bawa 2 isteri ke parlimen

Tak pasti sama ada budaya tunjuk 'power' ini baik untuk kita contohi. Tapi yang pasti kalau ada satu isteri pun tak boleh 'control' atau di'control' ini satu budaya yang merisaukan.

Berita Utusan semalam: Ismail 'hebat' perkenal dua isteri

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Linking the Dots gets a direct link from a US online mag

No big deal to me as a writer as the write-up wasn't mine in the first place.

But a link/mention in an international celebrity magazine as big as is a big deal as a blogger, as the blog starts to get more hits - internationally.

Here's the link

Are women better at writing advice columns?

First read the letter by Nuruliman above, a confused woman in a love dilemma to the Mingguan Malaysia column luahan rasa. Then read the response by the columnist Putri who I believe is also a woman.

Do you think Putri has done a good job at advising Nuruliman in this case?

I also believe, certain women and liberal groups would knee-jerk in anger in response to this simplistic answer of an advice. And certainly these women and feminist group would then label Putri an ultra conservative to be able to even think of telling Nuruliman to consider accepting the man's offer as his second wife.

Wouldn't it be too much to believe that this man's first wife really endorses the relationship -- a second relationship by her own husband to younger woman? And yet she (the first wife) is so nice and tolerant to be able to accept this younger woman as part of her 'family' and not a 'competitor' in love?

Even a man like me can say it is ridiculous and emotionally insane for any woman by any standard (religious or not) to accept another woman as a competitor in love and marriage, so why not a woman? And yet Putri would tell Nurliman to rather 'consider' it first after getting further advice from her family/parents.

So, are all women good or better at giving advice/writing advice columns?

Now read the article below to see how men fared better at writing advice columns...!
click to get a bigger view

he..he.. you will have to read between the lines to be able to grasp the gist of this advice...!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

DIVORCE - Women in Islam vs Women in the Judaeo-Christian Tradition

In this chapter Dr Sherif gave a very lengthy discussion on the diversities of divorce laws between the three faiths. He finally summed up with how Islam approaches this problem and how the religion neutralizes divorce by taking a middle path in solving matters.

DIVORCE - Women in Islam Versus Women in the Judaeo-Christian Tradition, The Myth and The Reality
By: Sherif Abdel Azim, Ph.D.- Queens University, Kingston, Ontario, Canada

The three religions have remarkable differences in their attitudes towards divorce. Christianity abhors divorce altogether. The New Testament unequivocally advocates the indissolubility of marriage.

It is attributed to Jesus to have said, "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery" (Matthew 5:32).

This uncompromising ideal is, without a doubt, unrealistic. It assumes a state of moral perfection that human societies have never achieved. When a couple realizes that their married life is beyond repair, a ban on divorce will not do them any good. Forcing ill-mated couples to remain together against their wills is neither effective nor reasonable. No wonder the whole Christian world has been obliged to sanction divorce.

Judaism, on the other hand, allows divorce even without any cause. The Old Testament gives the husband the right to divorce his wife even if he just dislikes her:

"If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled" (Deut. 24:1-4).

The above verses have caused some considerable debate among Jewish scholars because of their disagreement over the interpretation of the words "displeasing", "indecency", and "dislikes" mentioned in the verses. The Talmud records their different opinions:

"The school of Shammai held that a man should not divorce his wife unless he has found her guilty of some sexual misconduct, while the school of Hillel say he may divorce her even if she has merely spoiled a dish for him. Rabbi Akiba says he may divorce her even if he simply finds another woman more beautiful than she" (Gittin 90a-b).

The New Testament follows the Shammaites opinion while Jewish law has followed the opinion of the Hillelites and R. Akiba. Since the Hillelites view prevailed, it became the unbroken tradition of Jewish law to give the husband freedom to divorce his wife without any cause at all. The Old Testament not only gives the husband the right to divorce his "displeasing" wife, it considers divorcing a "bad wife" an obligation:

"A bad wife brings humiliation, downcast looks, and a wounded heart. Slack of hand and weak of knee is the man whose wife fails to make him happy. Woman is the origin of sin, and it is through her that we all die. Do not leave a leaky cistern to drip or allow a bad wife to say what she likes. If she does not accept your control, divorce her and send her away" (Ecclesiasticus 25:25).

The Talmud has recorded several specific actions by wives which obliged their husbands to divorce them: "If she ate in the street, if she drank greedily in the street, if she suckled in the street, in every case Rabbi Meir says that she must leave her husband" (Git. 89a). The Talmud has also made it mandatory to divorce a barren wife (who bore no children in a period of ten years): "Our Rabbis taught: If a man took a wife and lived with her for ten years and she bore no child, he shall divorce her" (Yeb. 64a).

Wives, on the other hand, cannot initiate divorce under Jewish law. A Jewish wife, however, could claim the right to a divorce before a Jewish court provided that a strong reason exists. Very few grounds are provided for the wife to make a claim for a divorce. These grounds include: A husband with physical defects or skin disease, a husband not fulfilling his conjugal responsibilities, etc.

The Court might support the wife's claim to a divorce but it cannot dissolve the marriage. Only the husband can dissolve the marriage by giving his wife a bill of divorce. The Court could scourge, fine, imprison, and excommunicate him to force him to deliver the necessary bill of divorce to his wife. However, if the husband is stubborn enough, he can refuse to grant his wife a divorce and keep her tied to him indefinitely.

Worse still, he can desert her without granting her a divorce and leave her unmarried and undivorced. He can marry another woman or even live with any single woman out of wedlock and have children from her (these children are considered legitimate under Jewish law).

The deserted wife, on the other hand, cannot marry any other man since she is still legally married and she cannot live with any other man because she will be considered an adulteress and her children from this union will be illegitimate for ten generations.

A woman in such a position is called an agunah (chained woman).

In the United States today there are approximately 1000 to 1500 Jewish women who are agunot (plural for agunah), while in Israel their number might be as high as 16000. Husbands may extort thousands of dollars from their trapped wives in exchange for a Jewish divorce.

Islam occupies the middle ground between Christianity and Judaism with respect to divorce. Marriage in Islam is a sanctified bond that should not be broken except for compelling reasons. Couples are instructed to pursue all possible remedies whenever their marriages are in danger.

Divorce is not to be resorted to except when there is no other way out. In a nutshell, Islam recognizes divorce, yet it discourages it by all means.

Let us focus on the recognition side first. Islam does recognize the right of both partners to end their matrimonial relationship. Islam gives the husband the right for Talaq (divorce). Moreover, Islam, unlike Judaism, grants the wife the right to dissolve the marriage through what is known as Khula'.

If the husband dissolves the marriage by divorcing his wife, he cannot retrieve any of the marriage gifts he has given her. The Quran explicitly prohibits the divorcing husbands from taking back their marriage gifts no matter how expensive or valuable these gifts might be:

"But if you decide to take one wife in place of another, even if you had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, take not the least bit of it back; Would you take it by slander and a manifest wrong?" (Quran 4:20).

In the case of the wife choosing to end the marriage, she may return the marriage gifts to her husband. Returning the marriage gifts in this case is a fair compensation for the husband who is keen to keep his wife while she chooses to leave him. The Quran has instructed Muslim men not to take back any of the gifts they have given to their wives except in the case of the wife choosing to dissolve the marriage:

"It is not lawful for you (Men) to take back any of your gifts except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. There is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah so do not transgress them" (Quran 2:229).

Also, a woman came to the Prophet Muhammad seeking the dissolution of her marriage, she told the Prophet that she did not have any complaints against her husband's character or manners. Her only problem was that she honestly did not like him to the extent of not being able to live with him any longer. The Prophet asked her: "Would you give him his garden (the marriage gift he had given her) back?" she said: "Yes". The Prophet then instructed the man to take back his garden and accept the dissolution of the marriage (Bukhari).

In some cases, A Muslim wife might be willing to keep her marriage but find herself obliged to claim for a divorce because of some compelling reasons such as: Cruelty of the husband, desertion without a reason, a husband not fulfilling his conjugal responsibilities, etc. In these cases the Muslim court dissolves the marriage. 37

In short, Islam has offered the Muslim woman some unequalled rights: she can end the marriage through Khula' and she can sue for a divorce.

A Muslim wife can never become chained by a recalcitrant husband. It was these rights that enticed Jewish women who lived in the early Islamic societies of the seventh century C.E. to seek to obtain bills of divorce from their Jewish husbands in Muslim courts. The Rabbis declared these bills null and void.

In order to end this practice, the Rabbis gave new rights and privileges to Jewish women in an attempt to weaken the appeal of the Muslim courts. Jewish women living in Christian countries were not offered any similar privileges since the Roman law of divorce practiced there was no more attractive than the Jewish law. 38

Let us now focus our attention on how Islam discourages divorce. The Prophet of Islam told the believers that:

"among all the permitted acts, divorce is the most hateful to God" (Abu Dawood).

A Muslim man should not divorce his wife just because he dislikes her. The Quran instructs Muslim men to be kind to their wives even in cases of lukewarm emotions or feelings of dislike:

"Live with them (your wives) on a footing of kindness and equity. If you dislike them it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed a great deal of good" (Quran 4:19).

Prophet Muhammad gave a similar instruction:

" A believing man must not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her traits he will be pleased with another" (Muslim).

The Prophet has also emphasized that the best Muslims are those who are best to their wives:

"The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best character and the best of you are those who are best to their wives" (Tirmidthi).

However, Islam is a practical religion and it does recognize that there are circumstances in which a marriage becomes on the verge of collapsing.

In such cases, a mere advice of kindness or self restraint is no viable solution. So, what to do in order to save a marriage in these cases? The Quran offers some practical advice for the spouse (husband or wife) whose partner (wife or husband) is the wrongdoer. For the husband whose wife's ill-conduct is threatening the marriage, the Quran gives four types of advice as detailed in the following verses:

"As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, (1) Admonish them, (2) refuse to share their beds, (3) beat them; but if they return to obedience seek not against them means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, Great. (4) If you fear a break between them, appoint two arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers; If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation" (Quran 4:34-35).

The first three are to be tried first. If they fail, then the help of the families concerned should be sought. It has to be noted, in the light of the above verses, that beating the rebellious wife is a temporary measure that is resorted to as third in line in cases of extreme necessity in hopes that it might remedy the wrongdoing of the wife. If it does, the husband is not allowed by any means to continue any annoyance to the wife as explicitly mentioned in the verse. If it does not, the husband is still not allowed to use this measure any longer and the final avenue of the family-assisted reconciliation has to be explored.

Prophet Muhammad has instructed Muslim husbands that they should not have recourse to these measures except in extreme cases such as open lewdness committed by the wife. Even in these cases the punishment should be slight and if the wife desists, the husband is not permitted to irritate her:

"In case they are guilty of open lewdness you may leave them alone in their beds and inflict slight punishment. If they are obedient to you, do not seek against them any means of annoyance" (Tirmidthi)

Furthermore, the Prophet of Islam has condemned any unjustifiable beating. Some Muslim wives complained to him that their husbands had beaten them. Hearing that, the Prophet categorically stated that:

"Those who do so (beat their wives) are not the best among you" (Abu Dawood).

It has to be remembered at this point that the Prophet has also said:

"The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family" (Tirmidthi).

The Prophet advised one Muslim woman, whose name was Fatimah bint Qais, not to marry a man because the man was known for beating women:

"I went to the Prophet and said: Abul Jahm and Mu'awiah have proposed to marry me. The Prophet (by way of advice) said: As to Mu'awiah he is very poor and Abul Jahm is accustomed to beating women" (Muslim).

It has to be noted that the Talmud sanctions wife beating as chastisement for the purpose of discipline. 39 The husband is not restricted to the extreme cases such as those of open lewdness. He is allowed to beat his wife even if she just refuses to do her house work. Moreover, he is not limited only to the use of light punishment. He is permitted to break his wife's stubbornness by the lash or by starving her. 40

For the wife whose husband's ill-conduct is the cause for the marriage's near collapse, the Quran offers the following advice:

"If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best" (Quran 4:128).

In this case, the wife is advised to seek reconciliation with her husband (with or without family assistance). It is notable that the Quran is not advising the wife to resort to the two measures of abstention from sex and beating. The reason for this disparity might be to protect the wife from a violent physical reaction by her already misbehaving husband. Such a violent physical reaction will do both the wife and the marriage more harm than good. Some Muslim scholars have suggested that the court can apply these measures against the husband on the wife's behalf. That is, the court first admonishes the rebellious husband, then forbids him his wife's bed, and finally executes a symbolic beating.

To sum up, Islam offers Muslim married couples much viable advice to save their marriages in cases of trouble and tension. If one of the partners is jeopardizing the matrimonial relationship, the other partner is advised by the Quran to do whatever possible and effective in order to save this sacred bond. If all the measures fail, Islam allows the partners to separate peacefully and amicably.

Monday, March 15, 2010

POLYGAMY - Women in Islam Versus Women in the Judaeo-Christian Tradition

On July 3, 1990 an article titled Islam is not Alone in Patriarchal Doctrines, by Gwynne Dyer was published in the Toronto Star. The article described the furious reactions of participants in a conference on Women and Power held in Montreal that year.

The reactions were actually in response to the comments of a famous Egyptian feminist, Dr. Nawal Saadawi, who they said 'equated' their faiths with Islam.

Dr Saadawi's politically incorrect statements included : "the most restrictive elements towards women can be found first in Judaism in the Old Testament then in Christianity and then in the Quran" "all religions are patriarchal because they stem from patriarchal societies" and "veiling of women is not a specifically Islamic practice but an ancient cultural heritage with analogies in sister religions".

During the last few years Dr Sherif Abdel Azim spent many hours reading the Bible, The Encyclopaedia of Religion, and the Encyclopaedia Judaica searching for answers. He had also read several books discussing the position of women in different religions written by scholars, apologists, and critics. The material presented here represents the important findings of his humble research.

I reproduce here a chapter from a series of arguments by Dr Sherif who, in response to the arguments wrote a booklet published by WAMY (World Assembly of Muslim Youth), Dammam, Saudi Arabia.

The whole chapters from the booklet can be found in the website IslamiCity.

POLYGAMY - Women in Islam Versus Women in the Judaeo-Christian Tradition (The Myth and The Reality)

By: Sherif Abdel Azim, Ph.D.- Queens University, Kingston, Ontario, Canada

Polygamy is a very ancient practice found in many human societies. The Bible did not condemn polygamy. To the contrary, the Old Testament and Rabbinic writings frequently attest to the legality of polygamy.

King Solomon is said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3) Also, king David is said to have had many wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13). The Old Testament does have some injunctions on how to distribute the property of a man among his sons from different wives (Deut. 22:7).

The only restriction on polygamy is a ban on taking a wife's sister as a rival wife (Lev. 18:18). The Talmud advises a maximum of four wives. European Jews continued to practice polygamy until the sixteenth century. Oriental Jews regularly practiced polygamy until they arrived in Israel where it is forbidden under civil law. However, under religious law which overrides civil law in such cases, it is permissible.

What about the New Testament? According to Father Eugene Hillman in his insightful book, Polygamy reconsidered, "Nowhere in the New Testament is there any explicit commandment that marriage should be monogamous or any explicit commandment forbidding polygamy."

Moreover, Jesus has not spoken against polygamy though it was practiced by the Jews of his society. Father Hillman stresses the fact that the Church in Rome banned polygamy in order to conform to the Greco-Roman culture (which prescribed only one legal wife while tolerating concubinage and prostitution).

He cited St. Augustine, "Now indeed in our time, and in keeping with Roman custom, it is no longer allowed to take another wife." 54 African churches and African Christians often remind their European brothers that the Church's ban on polygamy is a cultural tradition and not an authentic Christian injunction.

The Quran, too, allowed polygamy, but not without restrictions:

"If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one" (Quran 4:3).

The Quran, contrary to the Bible, limited the maximum number of wives to four under the strict condition of treating the wives equally and justly. It should not be understood that the Quran is exhorting the believers to practice polygamy, or that polygamy is considered as an ideal. In other words, the Quran has "tolerated" or "allowed" polygamy, and no more, but why?

Why is polygamy permissible ?

The answer is simple: there are places and times in which there are compelling social and moral reasons for polygamy. As the above Quranic verse indicates, the issue of polygamy in Islam cannot be understood apart from community obligations towards orphans and widows. Islam as a universal religion suitable for all places and all times could not ignore these compelling obligations.

In most human societies, females outnumber males. In the U.S. there are, at least, eight million more women than men. In a country like Guinea there are 122 females for every 100 males. In Tanzania, there are 95.1 males per 100 females.

What should a society do towards such unbalanced sex ratios? There are various solutions, some might suggest celibacy, others would prefer female infanticide (which does happen in some societies in the world today !). Others may think the only outlet is that the society should tolerate all manners of sexual permissiveness: prostitution, sex out of wedlock, homosexuality, etc.

For other societies, like most African societies today, the most honorable outlet is to allow polygamous marriage as a culturally accepted and socially respected institution. The point that is often misunderstood in the West is that women in other cultures do not necessarily look at polygamy as a sign of women's degradation.

For example, many young African brides , whether Christians or Muslims or otherwise, would prefer to marry a married man who has already proved himself to be a responsible husband. Many African wives urge their husbands to get a second wife so that they do not feel lonely.

A survey of over six thousand women, ranging in age from 15 to 59, conducted in the second largest city in Nigeria showed that 60 percent of these women would be pleased if their husbands took another wife. Only 23 percent expressed anger at the idea of sharing with another wife. Seventy-six percent of the women in a survey conducted in Kenya viewed polygamy positively.

In a survey undertaken in rural Kenya, 25 out of 27 women considered polygamy to be better than monogamy. These women felt polygamy can be a happy and beneficial experience if the co-wives cooperate with each other.

Polygamy in most African societies is such a respectable institution that some Protestant churches are becoming more tolerant of it. A bishop of the Anglican Church in Kenya declared that, "Although monogamy may be ideal for the expression of love between husband and wife, the church should consider that in certain cultures polygyny is socially acceptable and that the belief that polygyny is contrary to Christianity is no longer tenable."

After a careful study of African polygamy, Reverend David Gitari of the Anglican Church has concluded that polygamy, as ideally practiced, is more Christian than divorce and remarriage as far as the abandoned wives and children are concerned.

I personally know of some highly educated African wives who, despite having lived in the West for many years, do not have any objections against polygamy. One of them, who lives in the U.S., solemnly exhorts her husband to get a second wife to help her in raising the kids.

The problem of the unbalanced sex ratios becomes truly problematic at times of war. Native American Indian tribes used to suffer highly unbalanced sex ratios after wartime losses. Women in these tribes, who in fact enjoyed a fairly high status, accepted polygamy as the best protection against indulgence in indecent activities. European settlers, without offering any other alternative, condemned this Indian polygamy as 'uncivilised'.

After the second world war, there were 7,300,000 more women than men in Germany (3.3 million of them were widows). There were 100 men aged 20 to 30 for every 167 women in that age group.

Many of these women needed a man not only as a companion but also as a provider for the household in a time of unprecedented misery and hardship. The soldiers of the victorious Allied Armies exploited these women's vulnerability. Many young girls and widows had liaisons with members of the occupying forces.

Many American and British soldiers paid for their pleasures in cigarettes, chocolate, and bread. Children were overjoyed at the gifts these strangers brought. A 10 year old boy on hearing of such gifts from other children wished from all his heart for an 'Englishman' for his mother so that she need not go hungry any longer.

We have to ask our own conscience at this point: What is more dignifying to a woman? An accepted and respected second wife as in the native Indians' approach, or a virtual prostitute as in the 'civilised' Allies approach? In other words, what is more dignifying to a woman, the Quranic prescription or the theology based on the culture of the Roman Empire?

It is interesting to note that in an international youth conference held in Munich in 1948 the problem of the highly unbalanced sex ratio in Germany was discussed. When it became clear that no solution could be agreed upon, some participants suggested polygamy. The initial reaction of the gathering was a mixture of shock and disgust. However, after a careful study of the proposal, the participants agreed that it was the only possible solution. Consequently, polygamy was included among the conference final recommendations.

The world today possesses more weapons of mass destruction than ever before and the European churches might, sooner or later, be obliged to accept polygamy as the only way out. Father Hillman has thoughtfully recognized this fact, "It is quite conceivable that these genocidal techniques (nuclear, biological, chemical..) could produce so drastic an imbalance among the sexes that plural marriage would become a necessary means of survival....Then contrary to previous custom and law, an overriding natural and moral inclination might arise in favour of polygamy. In such a situation, theologians and church leaders would quickly produce weighty reasons and biblical texts to justify a new conception of marriage."

To the present day, polygamy continues to be a viable solution to some of the social ills of modern societies. The communal obligations that the Quran mentions in association with the permission of polygamy are more visible at present in some Western societies than in Africa. For example, In the United States today, there is a severe gender crisis in the black community. One out of every twenty young black males may die before reaching the age of 21. For those between 20 and 35 years of age, homicide is the leading cause of death.

Besides, many young black males are unemployed, in jail, or on dope. As a result, one in four black women, at age 40, has never married, as compared with one in ten white women.

Moreover, many young black females become single mothers before the age of 20 and find themselves in need of providers. The end result of these tragic circumstances is that an increasing number of black women are engaged in what is called 'man-sharing'.

That is, many of these hapless single black women are involved in affairs with married men. The wives are often unaware of the fact that other women are 'sharing' their husbands with them. Some observers of the crisis of man-sharing in the African American community strongly recommend consensual polygamy as a temporary answer to the shortage of black males until more comprehensive reforms in the American society at large are undertaken.

By consensual polygamy they mean a polygamy that is sanctioned by the community and to which all the parties involved have agreed, as opposed to the usually secret man-sharing which is detrimental both to the wife and to the community in general. The problem of man-sharing in the African American community was the topic of a panel discussion held at Temple University in Philadelphia on January 27, 1993.

Some of the speakers recommended polygamy as one potential remedy for the crisis. They also suggested that polygamy should not be banned by law, particularly in a society that tolerates prostitution and mistresses. The comment of one woman from the audience that African Americans needed to learn from Africa where polygamy was responsibly practiced elicited enthusiastic applause.

Philip Kilbride, an American anthropologist of Roman Catholic heritage, in his provocative book, Plural marriage for our time, proposes polygamy as a solution to some of the ills of the American society at large. He argues that plural marriage may serve as a potential alternative for divorce in many cases in order to obviate the damaging impact of divorce on many children. He maintains that many divorces are caused by the rampant extramarital affairs in the American society. According to Kilbride, ending an extramarital affair in a polygamous marriage, rather than in a divorce, is better for the children, "Children would be better served if family augmentation rather than only separation and dissolution were seen as options." Moreover, he suggests that other groups will also benefit from plural marriage such as: elderly women who face a chronic shortage of men and the African Americans who are involved in man-sharing.

In 1987, a poll conducted by the student newspaper at the university of California at Berkeley asked the students whether they agreed that men should be allowed by law to have more than one wife in response to a perceived shortage of male marriage candidates in California. Almost all of the students polled approved of the idea.

One female student even stated that a polygamous marriage would fulfill her emotional and physical needs while giving her greater freedom than a monogamous union. In fact, this same argument is also used by the few remaining fundamentalist Mormon women who still practice polygamy in the U.S. They believe that polygamy is an ideal way for a woman to have both a career and children since the wives help each other care for the children.

It has to be added that polygamy in Islam is a matter of mutual consent. No one can force a woman to marry a married man. Besides, the wife has the right to stipulate that her husband must not marry any other woman as a second wife. The Bible, on the other hand, sometimes resorts to forcible polygamy. A childless widow must marry her husband's brother, even if he is already married (see the "Plight of Widows" section),regardless of her consent (Genesis 38:8-10).

It should be noted that in many Muslim societies today the practice of polygamy is rare since the gap between the numbers of both sexes is not huge. One can, safely, say that the rate of polygamous marriages in the Muslim world is much less than the rate of extramarital affairs in the West. In other words, men in the Muslim world today are far more strictly monogamous than men in the Western world.

Billy Graham, the eminent Christian evangelist has recognized this fact: "Christianity cannot compromise on the question of polygamy. If present-day Christianity cannot do so, it is to its own detriment. Islam has permitted polygamy as a solution to social ills and has allowed a certain degree of latitude to human nature but only within the strictly defined framework of the law. Christian countries make a great show of monogamy, but actually they practice polygamy. No one is unaware of the part mistresses play in Western society. In this respect Islam is a fundamentally honest religion, and permits a Muslim to marry a second wife if he must, but strictly forbids all clandestine amatory associations in order to safeguard the moral probity of the community."

It is of interest to note that many, non-Muslim as well as Muslim, countries in the world today have outlawed polygamy. Taking a second wife, even with the free consent of the first wife, is a violation of the law.

On the other hand, cheating on the wife, without her knowledge or consent, is perfectly legitimate as far as the law is concerned! What is the legal wisdom behind such a contradiction? Is the law designed to reward deception and punish honesty? It is one of the unfathomable paradoxes of our modern 'civilised' world.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Mid-life crisis - is it a good excuse for men to remarry?

Just when you thought that the oft-quoted 'mid-life crisis' is just an excuse why men go on dating (or chasing) other women even after they have had a successful marriage is a western culture, well it is not.

A recent study says it is a global phenomenon.

The Midlife Crisis Goes Global

The midlife crisis, a time of self-doubt and turmoil familiar to many in their 40s and 50s, is often viewed as a phenomenon of Western culture. But new research suggests that people all over the world are miserable in middle age.

Those are the surprising findings from a worldwide study of two million people from 80 countries.

Read more here

Saturday, March 13, 2010

WordsAplenty on Muslim Divorce

I have reproduced here two articles by a blogger by the nick of WordsAplenty, although you might not wholly agree with the contents.

WordsAplenty is an American blogger who likes to write about Islam in the website.

Based on some of the comments I found on the website, the writer is a woman (married), and her thoughts are a worthy read/mention here.

Divorce in Islam

by WordsAplenty

Many people are surprised to learn that divorce is allowed in Islam. After all, Islam is so strict and rigid in many ways, why would divorce be allowed?

Marriage is Allah's gift to mankind. It offers peace and security, physical pleasure and children. Marriage is meant to nurture the soul. While no one is happy all the time, marriage in general should bring happiness and fulfillment to both parties.

Marriage is the center of the family, and also its thermometer. When the marriage is strong, the family flourishes. When it is weak, however, the entire family suffers.
Allah, in His infinite, wisdom, recognized that some people would be ill-suited for one another. Rather than force them to live together in a farce of a marriage, divorce is allowed.

However, divorce is not something to be taken lightly; it is to be used as a last resort. In fact, getting a divorce without a valid reason is considered a sin. In a hadith reported by Abu Dawud, Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) said, "Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah."

What are Valid Reasons?

Although the phrase "irreconcilable differences" is overused in our culture, those are the only differences that would necessitate a divorce. If there is hope of reconciliation, you must seek that first. Divorce should not even be considered until all positive avenues have been explored. Only problems that cause such anger, bitterness, and hatred that marriage becomes impossible should lead to divorce.

Obviously, that could vary from person to person and marriage to marriage. Clearly, though, petty differences or boredom are not legitimate grounds. Most marriages do have moments of boredom, where the spark has gone. That is just motivation to spice things up! Running away and destroying a family will not solve that problem.

Infidelity, on the other hand, could definitely be a breaking point for many people, although many couples have managed to survive an affair. Abuse of any kind is certainly cause for divorce, unless the abuser enters a treatment program and fully repents.

Refusal of one spouse to fulfill his or her marital duties could be a legitimate cause for divorce. For example, if a husband refuses to work and support the family, the wife would be justified in seeking a divorce if all efforts to change his mind have failed. Likewise, a wife who refuses to share the marital bed could likely find herself divorced, barring medical problems.

In all cases, marital harmony should be attempted. If all efforts have been made to restore happiness and peace, then you may seek divorce.

Marriage in Trouble? Seek Help

by WordsAplenty

We recently discussed that, although allowed, divorce is to be avoided whenever possible. Still, it is a fact of life that marriages do hit roadblocks, some big and some small. Maybe your wife spends too much money; maybe your husband spends too much time with his friends. Maybe he isn't affectionate enough, maybe she's too needy. Or maybe, the problems are more serious: infidelity, drug or alcohol use, mental or physical abuse. What's a Muslim family to do?

In traditional Muslim countries, the couple would sit down with the elders of the family. The husband, the wife, a representative from her family, and a representative of his would all sit down together and discuss the issue. Everyone would have one goal: to save the family. The elders, ideally, would be able to see the situation in an unbiased manner, suggesting solutions that may have escaped the couple.

In a traditional Muslim family, the entire family stands behind the couple. The whole group feels personally invested in the marriage and strives to save it at all costs. While this might feel stifling or intrusive at times, it can be a real blessing in times of trouble.

Here in the west, that support system is usually absent. Many of us are completely without family here. For those of us who do have family, the family was often opposed to the marriage in the first place! How could we possibly turn to them for marital advice? Besides, families here usually do not step in to solve the problems between a husband and a wife. Once we get married, we're on our own.

That is why the Muslim community here needs to rethink their position on marriage counselors and therapists in general. Many Muslims are adamantly opposed to interference from outsiders, choosing to keep private things private. Many will even say things like, "Where I come from, we don't air our dirty laundry." Where they come from, you don't need to air your dirty laundry.

Life is different here. The challenges are greater and the support is few. Given a choice between losing a marriage and losing a level of privacy, I vote for giving up some privacy!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Marital stress can cause early death!

Watch out if your marriage is not blissful - research probes toll of marital stress!

In unhappy marriages, those who spent less time with a spouse had lower blood pressure than those who had lots of contact. In good marriages, people who spent a lot of time with their spouse had even lower blood pressure.

Taken from

A slew of new research during the past few years shows that marital stress can play a significant role in a person's overall health -- increasing risk for everything from chronic pain to a heart attack. A low-stress marriage can even increase survival chances when a health problem strikes.

While it's long been known that people who are married tend to be healthier and live longer than unmarried people, scientists are increasingly turning their attention to whether the quality of the marriage matters. Some of the resulting studies have shown that the risk of a bad marriage is as strong as other medical risks. Among patients who suffered congestive heart failure, those with good marriages were more likely to survive. One study linked marital distress to dangerous thickening of the heart wall, just like smoking.

And while we've long known that stress is a major risk factor for many health problems, marital stress appears to be a bigger hazard than other types of stress simply because it's so personal.

"You can't escape marital stress the way you can other types of stress," says Annmarie Cano, assistant psychology professor at Wayne State University in Detroit and author of a January study on the links between chronic pain and marriage stress. "Most people think of marriage as a comfort zone and a place where you can relax, but when that is stressed, there is no safe haven."

The problem is, many people aren't aware how much their marriage is affecting stress levels. Studies have shown that arguments in couples who have been married for decades can increase stress hormones that weaken the immune system. Research has linked stress hormones with a number of health problems, making a person more susceptible to illness, slowing wound-healing and even interfering with the effectiveness of a vaccine.

The most surprising research has focused on a group of newlyweds, who, by all accounts, seemed happy, even "blissful" in their relationships. But Ohio State University researchers asked the 90 couples to answer questions about their marriage, videotaped them discussing a stressful topic and took blood samples to measure hormones known to inhibit or enhance the immune system. The couples who appeared to become the most agitated and hostile in the videotapes were more likely to see increases in hormones that weaken the immune system. Levels of an immune-boosting hormone also dropped.

Years later, researchers found the couples who eventually divorced had shown significant elevation in three of four immune-weakening hormones. Because those changes were detected in newlyweds, the research shows that not only did the hormones predict divorce risk, but the study also showed that marital stress, long before it's obvious, can have a measurable impact on immune-system health.

The same researchers are now studying the role of marital stress on wound healing. The researchers are inflicting small pea-size blisters on the arms of each spouse, studying whether positive interaction with each other can lead to faster healing by lowering the stress hormone cortisol. Stress hormones can slow the delivery of compounds that start the healing process.

"Marriage stress is unique because it basically takes what should be your primary source of support and makes it your primary stress," says Professor Janice Kiecolt-Glaser of Ohio State.

This month, the Harvard Men's Health Watch newsletter examined the relationship between marital stress and heart health, highlighting a study of 72 patients who answered questions on the Dyadic Adjustment Scale, a widely used test used to assess marital stress.

The study showed that marital distress was linked with a thickening of the left ventricle of the heart, as seen on an echocardiogram, just like smoking and excessive drinking. But job stress didn't have the same effect.

How much you interact with your spouse in a good or bad marriage can also influence your health. The same study found that among people in unhappy marriages, those who spent less time with a spouse had lower blood pressure than those who had lots of contact. Among those in good marriages, people who spent a lot of time with their spouse had even lower blood pressure.

"You can measure the physiological effect of a stressful interpersonal relationship," says Harvard Professor Harvey B. Simon, editor of the newsletter.

Dr. Simon, an internist, says he spends a lot of time talking to patients about their personal lives and stress levels. He urges them to exercise, meditate, pursue hobbies and other activities that make them happy and seek personal or marriage counseling.

But while it's clear that a bad marriage can drastically increase stress, it's not yet known whether it's better, in terms of overall health, to try to improve a troubled relationship or to get a divorce -- which itself is an extremely stressful life event.

Even in good marriages, the way a couple interacts appears to affect health. A Yale study asked 305 couples married an average of 43 years to name their confidante or greatest source of emotional support. Surprisingly, a couple in which a woman with children named her husband but the husband didn't name her was significantly more likely to be alive after six years than other couples, says Roni Beth Tower, now adjunct assistant professor at Teachers College, Columbia University. One reason may be that being needed, by either your children or your wife, is better for health than having someone to lean on.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Bercerai sebab ibu mer'gas'tuaku dan perut buncit?

Datuk Aminah Abdul Rahman

In conservative Malaysia, married couples are accustomed to the term ‘Monsters-in-law' (or ibu mergastuaku), meaning the bothersome mother-in-law meddling in their sons/daughters family affairs.

This problematic factor was known to be among the main reasons of divorce here. Read the Star's article ‘Monsters-in-law’ among main causes of divorce dated 26 May, 2009.

This phenomenon is not only significant in Malay family divorces as was superbly portrayed in P. Ramlee's 1962 movie-drama Ibu Mertuaku, it was also cited as the the main reason for Indian couples divorce.

The 2004 study by the National Population and Family Development Board (LPPKN) showed that meddlesome in-laws are the main reason couples divorce. Two other factors were incompatibility (42.3%) and infidelity (12%).

"Interference of in-laws is the main reason why Indians divorce. It is the top ranked reason at 30%," said LPPKN Director General Datuk Aminah Abdul Rahman.

Among Malays, the second most common reason for a divorce is infidelity and a refusal to put up with polygamy (enggan dimadukan), the study said. Nonetheless, infidelity appeared to be tolerated among the Chinese.

"The Chinese considered infidelity the least crucial reason to demand for a divorce", she said.

Another overall reason that ranked high among the three races at 11.5% is ‘not being responsible'.

In another related news, as was reported in Utusan Malaysia today (9.03.2010), Minister in Prime Minister's Department, Datuk T. Murugiah said other reasons why couples divorce are about their partners being too fat (obesity) and having bad breath.

He said, the random study done by the Public Complaints Bureau (BPA) found that these factors were not only applicable to women. Men were also said neglecting their personal hygiene such as having pot belly, bad breath, not brushing their teeth or other poor physical traits resulting in their wives to reject them.

Murugiah also pointed out that the percentage of divorce has risen to about 22% since a few years back and is expected to increase in the future.

He stressed that the best way to keep divorces at bay was for couples to keep healthy and attend courses on how to be a complete man or woman.

Hmmm... so, for us men@husbands, better go check the measurement of our tummies before our wives petition for divorce...women too (excluding pregnant@mothers-to-be).

So what's the standard tummy measurement for men and husbands-to-be now?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Why Men Want Sex and Women Want Love

A very interesting piece by Elena Solomon, the writer of
12 Simple Rules
which became the #1 'Love & Romance' bestseller in the leading ebook distribution service in just ONE WEEK after the release.

Why Men Want Sex and Women Want Love
by Elena Solomon

Men are frustrated with women because they never want sex.
Women are frustrated with men because they always want sex.

Women blame men they don't know how to love.
Men blame women that they only talk about love but don't want to make it.

Whether you are a man or a woman, reading this article can change your life - finally, you will be able to get rid of your frustrations about the opposite gender.

The reason humans want sex is due to the hormone testosterone, which is predominantly male hormone. A normal male's body produces 20 times more of this hormone than a female's.

In other words, a male feels the same way after one day without sex as a female after 20 days without sex. A male that has not had sex in 20 days feels the same way as a female after more than a year without sex.

Knowing this simple difference, you can already understand the pain of the opposite gender. It's NOT their fault: they are made this way! It's in our genes! This is the reason why men are men and women are women.

Men and women are DIFFERENT.
Not better or worse, just different.

A man can father a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only mother a child every two years or so. This means, a woman HAS TO be picky about who she allows to have sex with her.

For generations women were paying too high a price for making a wrong choice. Women that have chosen men with bad genes had a weaker offspring and their children struggled to survive. Women that have chosen men with good genes had a stronger offspring and their children survived disproportionally. Those children were carrying their picky mother's genes and this is why those female genes were passed to us.

On the other hand, men never had adverse consequences of making a wrong choice. The more children they produced, the higher was their chance to pass their genes to future generations, as some of them would certainly survive. While men were determined to seek better genes too, they had to grab all chances to procreate coming their way to ensure their genes would be passed forward. The men that ONLY stuck with one woman (even a high quality woman) were losing genetically to the men that used all of their opportunities and had many more children that survived. Those children were carrying their father's promiscuous genes, and this is why those male genes were passed to us.

By Nature men are made to seek as much sex as they can get, so they can spread their seed wider.

By Nature women are made to seek as many admirers as they can get, so they can make a better choice and get the best seed.

Men seek quantity - women seek quality.

This is why men seek sex and women seek love.

Love is the proof that a woman needs to have some assurance that the man will stick around and help her with the upbringing of the offspring. For a woman, sex is the culmination of her emotional commitment to a man.

For a man, sex is a physical act that eases the testosterone pressure he experiences constantly. Only after this tension has gone, can a man feel love towards a woman. This is why it often happens that men disappear after they got what they wanted: it wasn't love; it was the testosterone pressure. Sex for men is the reality check of their passion.

This is why having sex early in the relationship is hazardous for women: the man has not had the time to develop any romantic feelings for her. He needs time to develop those feelings, and the only way to do it is through keeping the sexual tension going for as long as practicable. Sex must be attainable, nearly possible - but not quite. When the sexual tension is at its peak, its release is mind-blowing - and once is never enough, which lays a proper foundation for a future relationship - and love.

Men fall in love through sex; women fall in sex through love.

All of this happens on the unconscious level - we do NOT realize what's going on.

But the reason why you are here today and alive is because each and every of your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their instincts and managed to attract at least one sexual partner and produce an offspring.

So, there is no need to be bitter about men wanting sex and women wanting love. Those two are the necessary pieces of the puzzle called Survival Of The Species.

And you'll be better off understanding what the other gender is going through and giving them exactly what they want: a mind-blowing sex or exhilarating love.

Go get 'em! :-)

Elena Solomon

Friday, March 5, 2010

Why more woman are petitioning for divorce?

PROF DATUK DR ZALEHA KAMARUDDIN wrote an 'interesting' piece in the Star dated 15 December 2009 to discern a contention and deduce a logic that in general Muslim women in Malaysia do have equal access to divorce (as oppose to their spouses, I suppose).

She also said that there is empirical evidence to proof her point.

But it is a difficult read. So, I have made some effort to summarize her article for concision purposes and to ease contemplation.

A big part of the content did not convey the intent of the above matter (though) but rather emphasizing on explaining what the title is about, for which I think is a result made by the decision makers of the publisher (read: editors@thestar).

And don't bother to read the long introduction as it is completely irrelevant.

In the article Why more woman are petitioning for divorce (without a question mark), she noted that there are studies to show that women were not given adequate access to the divorce process. The contention (of this matter) especially in relation to access to the divorce process is empirically proven by the points she noted below:

1. A national study on divorce conducted by the Department of Shariah Judiciary in 2005 shows that females made up the majority of applications presented in the Shariah courts of all states in Malaysia.

2. In her 2008 research, she indicated that although the husband may not have much interest in the marriage itself, he does not wish to divorce his wife, which would then motivate the wife to petition (for divorce).

3. Women who are economically dependent on their husbands, acts as a deterrent to divorce in Malaysia. However, since there is an increase in female labour participation in Malaysia (46.7%), this opens up the option for them to initiate divorce.

4. Women are getting more educated and thus becoming more vocal about inadequacies in their marriage.

5. Women would prefer to pursue their careers (rather than getting married at a younger age), thus giving themselves more opportunities to participate in activities outside traditional stereotypes.

6. Legal aid, introduced in 1971 had met its objective to assist litigants with limited means to initiate legal proceedings, including divorce.

7. Although on paper it appears that the men are petitioning, but, in reality, both parties agree to divorce, which means in most cases, the wife is the one who instigates the divorce by persuading the husband to expedite the divorce via talaq.

8. Upon divorce, the financial loss suffered by women is more often than not far greater than that suffered by men.

9. Women will be more concerned about division of property, settlement of maintenance, and arrangements regarding children.

So, all these factors point to the reasoning as to 'why' more woman are petitioning for divorce, rather than proof a point that in general Muslim women in Malaysia do have equal access to divorce.

Comprende? Yes/no

But actually, what the writer wanted to emphasize was "All the above empirical evidence shows that generally Muslim women in Malaysia do have equal access to divorce" (last para).

Okay, we are all a little confused here. The contents proved that it wanted to explain the title but the writer wanted to emphasize a different matter.

However, at the end of the article the writer goes on to question the reader: "The next important question would be where they would go from there (from where?). The future seems so bleak."

Ha..ha.. what's the point of going through all this if the writer thinks "the future seems bleak..." (for women seeking divorce, I suppose..) and leave it at that?

Serupa macam 'ending' drama Melayu je! - a positive start with a negative ending....semua potong stim!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Women's Rights In Islam

After reading about the plight of Muslim women in Malaysia in their hastiness to solve their various marital problems (much of which revolve around the problem of menuntut cerai), I found that women in general are clueless about their rights in this matter.

Read the Utusan Malaysia article dated 03.03.2010 by Rohana Man below:

This article portrays a very good insight for concerned Malaysians in their quest to understand more about the plight of Muslim women, especially with regards to marriage and divorce.

My only dissatisfaction about the article is the way it is presented by the poor construction of the title: "Bercerai elak kemungkaran", which is inappropriate and could also misled others into thinking that 'vices' can be kept at bay by being divorced.

Actually I would prefer it to be "Cerai untuk kurangkan mudarat mungkar" which means "wanita Islam yang bermasalah harus diberi peluang untuk bercerai demi mengelakkan mereka membuat kemungkaran."

Among others, the article also mentioned about the fasakh case of Mastura Bakar against her (then) husband Datuk Muhammad Mustaffa Idrus, which eventually turned the tables upon the latter.

In cases that we've heard not so long ago, the wife of famous or rich people seeking divorce end up in a never ending battle that took ages to solve.

But in this case, it proved otherwise -- that the ill-treated, deprived and abandoned can fight and win their rights against the laws which were (said) being enacted to be biased against them.

Biased or not, we hope this example is a good beginning for those in power to rectify the imbalances of injustice brought down on women, especially with regards to fasakh claims and other injunctions.

In the article the writer mentioned about one Datuk Prof Dr Zaleha Kamaruddin, Timbalan ketua Pengarah, Institut kefaham Islam Malysia (IKIM) who brought out about the burden of proof on the plaintiff and also about the involvement of the public at large due to the reports in the media. (Read more about it by clicking on the pic above).

Now what I want to emphasize here is not about the burden of proof on the plaintiff as what was discussed by the learned professor. What is lacking I believed is what information the public is fed with (or lack thereof).

In other words, why are they (women) not empowered to be occasionally advised, informed or communicated with what they are supposed to just like women who are well educated like these professors?

I just checked the expertise details of PROF. DR. ZALEHA BT KAMARUDDIN who is also an academic member of the Ahmad Ibrahim Kulliyyah Of Laws, International Islamic University Malaysia

Her impressive academic qualifications and selected publication lists are as follows:
PhD Law, University London, UK.
Advocate and Solicitor, High Court Malaya.
MCL, International Islamic University Malaysia.
LLB (Hons), University Malaya, Malaysia.
Dip. In Sha. Law and Practice, International Islamic University Malaysia.

Professional Membership
International Society for Family Laws (ISFL)
International Society for Prevention of Children Abuse and Neglect

Area of Interest
Family law ( Civil )
Islamic Family Law
Comparative Family Law
Law and Gender

Selected Publications
(2005) Harta Sepencarian: What Financial Planners Should Know, 4-E Journal, Financial Planning Association Malaysia
(2005) A Preliminary Study on Non-Custodial Fathers' Contact with their Children after Divorce in Malaysia, Jurnal Undang-Undang IKIM, Vo.9 No.1
(2005) Divorce Laws In Malaysia (Civil and Shariah), Malayan Law Journal
(2004) Islamic Family Law: New Challenges in the 21st Century, Vol.II, Research Centre, IIUM
(2004) An Insight of the Ethics of Assisted Reproductive Technology: Balancing Rights and Responsibilities, Issues in Medical Law, Medical-Law and Ethics Unit, Law Centre
(2004) The Millenium Family-A New Challenge for The Family Institution: Legal Perspective in Islamic Family Law: New Challenges in the 21st Century, Vol.II, Research Centre

Selected Presentations
(2005) Comparative Analysis of Women's Rights in Relation to Ground for Divorce: Contesting the Values of the East and the West, Zaleha Kamaruddin and Datin Dr. Siti Zalikhah Hawaii, International Conference on Social Sciences. Hawaii, U.S.A.
(2005) Harta Sepencarian: It's Division After Death and Divorce, Woman & Wealth Conference 2005. Kuala Lumpur.
(2004) Dissolution of Marriages under Muslim Family Law and Its Enforcement in Malaysia, Zaleha Kamaruddin and Datin Dr. Siti Zalikhah, International Conference on Divorce: Causes and Consequences. Beijing, China.
(2004) In Pursuit of Excellence in Postgraduate Education: IIUM Experience, International Conference on Postgraduate Education. University Malaya Centre for Continuing Education.
(2004) Personal Financial Planning in the Event of Death, Divorce and Judicial Separation: Civil and Shari'ah Perspective, National Conference on Financial Planning. .

Selected Research/Consultancy Works
(2005) Kajian Tempoh Penyelesaian Kes Pembubaran Perkahwinan Seluruh Malaysia (1998-2002) - Jilid I with Jabatan Kehakiman Syariah Malaysia (JKSM) & IIUM Entrepreneurship & Cosultancies Sdn. Bhd.
(2004) Psycho Legal Readiness of Woman Volunteers in Combating Drug Abuse with cooperation of National Association for the Prevention of Drug Abuse (PEMADAM).
(2003) Delays in Disposition of Divorce Cases in the Selangor Shariah Courts with cooperation from Shariah Court Department Selangor.
(2003) Psycho-legal Readiness of Women Volunteers in Combating Drug Abuse with cooperation from PEMADAM.
(2003) Legal Opinion for a legal firm in Netherland regarding Family Law: Potential International Child Abduction from Netherlands to Malaysia
(2002) Triple Talaqs and its Practice in Malaysia: A Case Study of Seven Shar'iah Courts
(2002) Social Problems and Its Relation to Family Institution: A Critical Analysis with special Reference to FELDA families with cooperation from Ministry of Land Development
(2002) Programmes on Single Mothers and the Family Law (Civil and Islamic Family Law), for Council of Single Mothers Association
(2002) Chapter X- Sensitive Policies Need (Legal Policies), Family Policies for Malaysia, LPPKN.

I was just wondering how come some people are so lucky to able to attain so much recognition and credibility in their work and position and yet most of their 'kaum sejenis' are so ignorant, deprived and backwards in this regard.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What are men made of and what are women made for?

We have to accept that men and women are wired differently.

From their early days, both men and woman have struggled hard to understand why their partner behave the way they do.

Even long-married couples who think they understand each other have only actually scratched the surface in their quest to unearth both genders innermost thoughts and feelings.

Well, at least that's what John Gray in his book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus thinks about the sexes; that their biological and gender difference makes them always think and feel the opposite, as if they are made or born from different planets.

One of John Gray's observation is that men, unlike women, don't like to chew on problems, when they appear. Men would prefer to solve them, whereas women would rather dwell, harp or even sit on it.

Women, on the other hand, thinks differently about men.

In her book, For Women Only; What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn echoes the Freudian view about men.

She says all men can think about when faced with a pretty woman is that she is a piece of meat waiting to be devoured through one sexual fantasy after another. Regardless of his current marital status OR his relationship with God, he has the same instincts that animal has, case closed.

Women should then, according to Shaunti, applaud their seemingly loyal husband in his difficult and strenuous struggle to remain monogomous, in thought and action

To highlight the glaring difference between both sexes, Shaunti quoted a survey in which men and women were asked: If you had to choose between being alone and unloved or being inadequated and disrespected, which would you choose?

Both men and women felt the answer was obvious. But their responses were almost the exact opposite. Women said they'd rather be disrespected than be alone and unloved. Men overwhelmingly (74%) said they'd rather be unloved than disrespected.

Of course everybody would like to be both respected and loved, but if given the choice of just one, the choice falls along gender lines.

Now, these are just the many few things that men don't understand about women as much as women think they do about men, but in actuality they don't.

Some women might say; you need to be in love with the man you respect, believe in or of the same wavelength to understand what they really are. But these are just excuses that proves their ignorance and inadequacy of the matter.

Read more on the 6 things women don't get about men here.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Petty reasons for Muslim divorce on the rise

Married Malaysian Muslims will have to live by this news report -- dissolution of marriage due to 'petty' reasons made out by applicants for their divorce.

Can these reasons soon translate into a 'Marriage & Divorce Malaysian Style' soap opera?

Utusan Malaysia's 28 February page 16 report and a two page full report on Utusan Melayu has the details as below.

Some of you readers who know me personally know that I have my own personal experience on this matter. That said, I will write a long review on this soon, InsyaAllah.

Meanwhile, I need somebody to help me translate the jawi text, pro bono publico - please.

Click on each news clip to get a bigger view.